Today, I laughed

It's been a harrowing journey through this dark hole of suck. I'm currently in the depression phase of things. The only way to describe the experience is quite literally a dark hole of suck. It's draining and I can't concentrate at work. I'm trying to do some data reduction stuff from my run two weeks ago at a national lab, but the numbers all seem to run together and I just can't concentrate. Sometimes I accept that it's a victory that I got out of bed in the morning, put on real people clothes (sometimes... yoga pants are totally part of the grad school rotation), and sit at my desk at work. It's a major victory if I run an instrument or make a graph. I don't think my boss would understand, but it just takes everything I have to physically have my body at this desk.

Today, I had lunch with Gypsy again. She's basically my one grad school friend who I didn't obtain because they are friends with Sel. Gypsy is hilarious. Her entire nature is funny and she can make a joke of every situation. Our lunches are frequented by complaining about people in our labs (we're not in the same one) and talking about weddings (we're both engaged). It's a breath of fresh air from the environment I'm struggling in currently. Graduate school has not been an uplifting experience for me, and now that I've been given explicit directions to graduate in December (yay?), I just can't bring myself to actually do the things that will get me there. The bipolar often leaves me emotionally vulnerable, and my group isn't really a group you join for praise. Sometimes I just want to hear that I'm doing a good job. And Gypsy gets it.

Our lunch usually concludes with getting coffee (tea for me today- and the rest of Lent), and today we got our drinks and began the trek back to our respective buildings. I said something that Gypsy turned into a joke. And for the first time in a long time, I laughed. The genuine laugh that just fills your body. I wanted to fall to the ground and hold my stomach and laughed, but it's cold and there's snow and we've already covered that I'm not crazy. It felt good. Now that I can laugh, maybe this dark hole of suck isn't so dark. Or so deep.