The One about Reunion

My college reunion is coming up at the end of May. I can't believe I've been out of that place for 5 years already. Even though I can visit the campus whenever I want, it's not the same as reunion. While I am really excited to see how the wonderful women I graduated with have changed in the past half-decade, I am mostly filled with anxiety. And embarrassment. That too.

For many of these ladies, I will be seeing them for the first time since graduation. And at graduation I was thin. Like really thin. You know how sometimes you look at other people's pic on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/InsertSocialMediaHere to make yourself feel better about your current situation? (And don't lie, we've all done it.) Well, I'm pretty sure some of the girls would look at my pictures and REALLY have a field day. I have gained a lot of weight. And this isn't a vanity thing, I have put on almost 80 lbs since graduation. That's embarrassing. And humiliating. And awful. But there's a story here.

I have struggled with eating disorders for most of my life. I was a competitive gymnast and figure skater, and I was good (at least when it came to gymnastics). My lovely father would take away food from me because I was too fat, and there would be nightly session of him pointing out all my fat areas in a mirror. As a child. I constantly heard that I was so fat for anyone to ever love me. So, as one can imagine, insecurities were instilled in me from the very beginning. And the environment was prime for disordered eating.

Bulimia was my ED of choice. I was really good at hiding it. When I got to college and was diagnosed with Crohn's disease, I was put on steroids and gained weight. And starting with my sophomore year of college, I slipped back into cohoots with my best friend bulimia. Junior and Senior year, I lived alone in my apartment. I lost A LOT of weight. I became the skinny friend in some of my friend groups. Everyone told me how great I looked and how hot I was. It felt good. So I kept it up. I graduated college cum laude with a wonderful bunch of beautiful women, and I was thin and finally felt like one of them.

Right after graduation, I had some routine blood work done. And surprise! The constant binging and purging has left my body ragged. My liver enzymes were worrisome and indicated that I was on the road to liver failure. Awesome. My doctor, a good friend of my mom, sat me down and put two and two together. He couldn't tell on me, because I was 21 and HIPPA and stuff. But I had been caught. And now that I was living with my mom and my aunt, I couldn't continue the cycle. And I gained weight. And then more weight. And then more weight.

It's funny. When we look back on pictures from senior year of college when I hit my lowest weight, my friends all say that I was scary skinny. Honestly, I'm surprised that no one said anything- some of them were social workers. But I still look back on all those pictures, and I long for the body I had back then- even though I know it was unhealthy.

So when I see all the girls at graduation, I know no one will say it to my face, but there will be looks. I'll be the girl who let herself go, who makes them feel better about themselves. It's a sad society we live in that someone conquering an eating disorder gives other girls fodder. They feed their self-esteem by crushing others'. And honestly, I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with that. So Class of 2009, forgive me if I'm a little less than enthusiastic.