Beating Impostor Syndrome

As I enter my last 9 months as a graduate student, the TO-DO list seems endless. Finish up my research. Write Manuscripts. Write Dissertation. Find a job. I think I've listed it on here once or twice. Or more. And those are the BIG things on the TO-DO list. After each of those large tasks are many smaller, direct tasks. Format CV. Update CV. Convert CV to Resume. Apply to Jobs. Beat Impostor Syndrome.

Wait... that last one didn't seem right. Did it? Do you even know what it is? Did you think I made it up? Well, I actually didn't. Surprisingly enough. And if you are woman in academia or a STEM field, you probably already know this "syndrome" all too well. Quite simply, it's a case of feeling like you don't belong. But it's not really that simple. Everyone feels like they don't belong at some point in their lives. But this is really feeling like you don't belong. Beating yourself up over it. Self-deprecating behavior.

I can't really put quite how impostor syndrome feels into words. But as I try to tackle that last major task I listed (getting a job), I can tell you that it is hitting me HARD. I feel qualified to do absolutely nothing. As I read through the skills desired, a fear sets in. "Experience in X-ray scattering". Well, yeah that's part of my dissertation. I have experience in X-ray scattering. and then the doubt sets in. "But do I know enough about X-ray scattering? I mean my data is crap? I don't really KNOW anything about X-ray scattering." This is the process I go through every single time I look at desired skill sets. I've been trained in techniques. I've been doing them for years. And yet, it's so ingrained in me that I do not belong in science. That I'm not good enough. Not smart enough. And certainly not qualified enough for these opportunities.

Right now, I have no first author papers, which only seems to amplify the fact that I don't belong in this world. And it's hard applying for post-docs because most of them say "strong publication record." I mean it's like trying to get into law school without taking the LSAT. Sadly, everything you've done in grad school comes down to what, where, and how many times you have published. And right now, I'm on one paper, as a third author, in a really good journal. But there's the third author thing. So can you understand why I feel like an impostor?

The first step to convincing anyone to hire me is to convince myself that I'm worth hiring. I'll be practicing this technique in the upcoming week. Wish me luck!