Public Service Announcement to Friends of People who Called off Weddings.

Yesterday I got a lovely text message from a friend who I had asked to be a bridesmaid during my previous engagement. She felt the need to point out that I was "supposed to be married right now" because our original wedding date was in November of 2015. Also, she wanted to let me know that she threw away my bridesmaid ask (thanks for the info). Immediately I felt rage and sadness growing inside of me. I went to bed hurt and angry, and this was exacerbated by another text in the morning accusing me of being terrible to him.

If any of you have friends who have had a break up of a serious relationship, called off weddings, or gotten divorced, I have a message for you. DO NOT remind them of this. For some, like in my case, this causes those feelings of failure to come surging out of the dark places where they lurk. Perhaps it was the use of the word "supposed". I was supposed to do something--obligated, and since it didn't happen, I'm a failure.

My past relationship is over. I do not pine for it. Looking back, I saw the person from the end of the relationship. I was a shell of myself. I had compromised too much and had clung to something long after it was dead, mostly because of what I thought people would think. But I still can't help but feel like I failed. The expectation in my hometown is for a woman to get married. The pity that is shoveled onto unwed females is thick. If we were in the South, I bet they'd even say "Bless your heart" when I answered the question of "So when are you getting married?" with a shrug.

It hurts because I know in less than two weeks, I'm going to have to deal with the "When are you getting married?" when a year ago, all they knew was I was engaged. I did not send out a town memo that I broke off my engagement. Last year, I tried to redirect and talk about job interviews and defending my PhD. They didn't care.

So when the world is telling me that not being married is a problem, I really don't need to be reminded about that wedding that I called off. And neither do your friends. It's not funny. It's intensely personal. I don't need a reminder.

XOXO,

Never Underestimate the Power of Red Lipstick

I had a date last night. And not a self-date. A date with another male human being.

I don't know about you, but confidence is, at times, difficult for me. But man, nothing makes me feel more confident than rocking red lipstick. I could be in sweats and throw on some red lipstick, and *BAM* a wild vixen appears when I look in the mirror.

Yesterday I ventured to the mall (for the first time since I've moved here) to head to Sephora to get a new shade of that red power. It's Christmas, so the mall was really a poor choice. Too many people for me. But I found the best red lipstick that have ever graced these lips-- Urban Decay's Bad Blood Matte Lipstick. It didn't make it all the way through dinner, but by then it had already made its magic. I think my confidence came through.

Seriously, isn't this perfect?

Oh, the date? I think it went pretty well. May the odds be ever in my favor :)

xoxo

Five on Friday: Holiday on my mind

I'm linking up again, and I'm in the holiday spirit over here. I'm not usually a huge Christmas person, but this year feels different. Here's how my dog and I are celebrating the season this week.

- one -

Christmas Decorations

My Christmas tree went up on Saturday. Becquerel and I had a great time decorating it while listening to Christmas tunes on Songza. I like to pretend to follow themes, and the theme represents my undergrad- Saint Mary's College, which brings me to number two.

- two -

Saint Mary's Christmas Ornament

The SMC LA Alumnae Club has decided to start selling a yearly Saint Mary's ornament. This year, the ornament is lovely gold laser cut view of the Avenue. I remember driving down the Avenue my junior year of high school, not knowing what was in store. SMC was a wonderful choice, and given the opportunity, I would pick it again and again and again. I get especially nostalgic for campus this time of year. There were snow ball fights and study breaks. Preparing for bowl trips (well... two of the years). Late night Breakfast. Advent. I miss you, SMC, but I promise to visit soon.

- three -

Christmas Songs

We had a rule in our house-- no Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. With the exception of "All I Want for Christmas is You" (because Backer nostalgia), I adhere to this strictly. So Thursday after Friendsgiving dinner, I turned to Sirius XM's Holly and sang the whole way home. I've been listening to Christmas music on Songza at work and at home (and while working out). Religious, secular-- doesn't matter. I love it all.

- four -

Love Actually

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think of the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there- fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from people on board were messages of hate or revenge- they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling that you'll find love actually is all around" - Prime Minister, Love Actually

Did your heart just skip a beat when you read that? Could you hear it in his voice? Seriously, this is the best beginning to any movie ever. And in case you're wondering- yes, this is my favorite movie of all time. I don't restrict Love Actually to Christmastime, but since the movie is set this time of year, it's especially appropriate. I love it. In fact, I'll be having a Love Actually watching party with my friends K & K on Friday.

- five -

Warm Beverages

I love mugs of warm delicious tea and coffee. These are also not particularly reserved for this season, but with the chilly weather, who can blame me for wanting to sip some tea and listen to Christmas music curled up on the couch under blankets with the pooch. It just warms me up from the inside out.

So drink your warm beverages and celebrate the holiday season. And if Christmas isn't your holiday, then enjoy YOUR holiday, whatever it may be.

Cheers!

Working it.

I've been so lazy lately. That's the only way to explain it- plain, old lazy.

It had been a long time since I last got in a work out. I have to think a lot at work, so I'm kind of tired when I get home. Waking up in the morning and getting in a work out? Forget it-- more like 'hit snooze 10 times, getting up an hour and a half after I meant to. Alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I definitely hit snooze at a minimum of 3 times. The funny thing is that when I exercise, I actually have more energy. It's just actually exercising that's the problem.

I've been the queen of excuses lately. It's too cold. It's too hot. What can I say, I'm a real-life Goldilocks. But Saturday, I said no more excuses. Saturday, yoga. Sunday, elliptical and yoga. Monday, abs. Tuesday, elliptical. Wednesday, yoga. Five days in a row.

I know it's not super intense exercise. I'm not running marathons or anything, but I am doing something. I'm making changes. Baby steps, my friends.

XOXO,

This is How We Date

Trigger warning: I will talk about rape and dating violence

I was talking to one of my guy friends today about this nice guy I've been texting with lately (I met him online). A week ago, the guy from online had said something which made me wonder if I had been relegated to "friend status." Today, it was clear that I wasn't so I thought I would share this bit of information with my friend. His response, "well that's good but you're not looking for a pen pal." Which all goes back, to his problem with the fact that I've been talking to this guy for like three weeks and still haven't met him.

I didn't realize three weeks was so long. Also, Thanksgiving is also included in those three weeks. And even so, why is there this huge amount of pressure to move so quickly these days? With the internet and advances in technology, sometimes I feel like I'm constantly on fast forward. We want everything NOW NOW NOW. (Note: I'm also guilty of this, I ordered a pair of boot from Amazon--not Prime-- and it took a WHOLE week to get them and it was awful) But sometimes I just want to take things slowly.

I'm not quite comfortable with the whole online dating thing. I told my friend that I'm scared of being raped. His solution: "Don't have dates in dark alleys." Yes, because that's the only place that rape can happen. Once, a friend met a guy from online and he tried to force himself into the car with her when she was leaving. In a parking lot. In the middle of the day. These are the things I fear with online dating. I find that if I "talk" to someone and draw out that talking phase, the guys who aren't genuine tend to lose interest.

I kindly ended this conversation with "Your timeline isn't the only acceptable timeline. Just because my timeline is different, it doesn't make mine wrong." Because in this age of urgency, I'd like to take my time when it comes to getting to know someone. I just want to be certain. It's weird and uncomfortable-- but this is how we date these days.

XOXO

Five on Friday Link Up: Thankfulness Edition

It's been a while since I did a link up. Since Thanksgiving was yesterday, I'd like to make my 5 on Friday all about nouns that for which I am extremely thankful.

- one -

family

This is a lovely picture of some of my family on my graduation day. I'm the fuzzy blueberry in the center in front of the Golden Dome. My family gave me the greatest gifts-- love, especially when I did not feel as though I deserved it; patience; support. Grad school was hard, but they knew I could do it. Moving across the country was difficult, but they called me just to make sure that I was okay. I'm pretty sure that I'm their favorite scientist. So thank you, to the biggest cheering squad I have encountered.

- two -

education

I have no regrets about my college education. If I could choose again, I would. Saint Mary's College was home for four years. I made great friends, and I received a quality education (which enabled me to successfully get a PhD and a job). Education isn't a privilege extended to many people in the world. I am blessed and extremely grateful for my access to education and the education I received.

- three -

friendship

I am thankful for my friends. They are truly a great bunch. They are an extension of my family, and they are my support system. We've been spread out across the country (one is in the Pacific Northwest now though-- here's looking at you, Face), but when we reunite, it's like barely a minute has passed. So to the only person who can get me in a Cubs jersey, my Backer crew, my soul sister Belles, and everyone else who has graced my life with your friendship, Thanks a million.

- four -

travel

In May, I took a trip with my friend K to Portland Oregon. We took a detour to visit Multnomah Falls (and hiked to the top), shopped at Porters, ate donuts at Voodoo, visited the zoo, stood in the Pacific Ocean (Cannon Beach), and ate at a fancy restaurant right near the beach. The next day we went to Mount St. Helens and hiked a lava tube and then we went to the observation deck. Since then, I've also traveled to just outside of Salem Oregon, Oakland/Livermore California, Sequim Bay Washington and Seattle Washington. I'm a firm believer that you have to get lost to find yourself. So for the opportunity (and funds) to travel the world, I give thanks.

- five-

puppy love

Becqs is the best dog in the world. Not because she's well behaved (she's a huge jerk with obedience, but we're currently trying to fix that), but because this dog has shown me the kind of love that most people only dream of. She knows my emotions and how to comfort me. She's always happy to see me walk through the door (even if I've been gone two minutes to throw out the garbage). When I'm feeling lonely, she lays next to me with, at the very least, a paw touching me to prove to me that I'm not actually alone. So to my hiking partner (Badger Mountain selfie above), my smooshie, and my pooch-wall, thanks. Keep on wagging, Bq. I'll keep trying to be the person you think I am.

And that's five, but I'm thankful for many, many more things-- including those who read my blog.

Give Thanks.

Gobble, Gobble.

And to those out on Black Friday (I'm not leaving my apartment), be safe.

I'm learning to love my body

I've started a journey to love myself a little more and judge myself a little less harshly. One of the biggest obstacles to loving myself is loving my body. As a child, I was taught to hate my body-- that it was no good. It was shameful. I should be ashamed to be in my own body. I remember him making me take of my clothes and pointing out where all the fat was on my body. Sometimes he took away my food because "you can't be a good gymnast if you are fat like you are now." And for the record, I'm not telling you this for your pity.

I am 230 lbs. I am not telling you this for your judgement. I am telling you this so you can understand. The little girl inside of me looks in the mirror just waiting for someone to point out the fat. I, however, have chosen not to point it out. Step one to loving myself was shutting down his voice saying that I'm too fat to be loved. I'm not too fat to be loved-- I love myself as I am-- all 230 lbs of me.

I was recently asked, "If you love your body as it is, why do work out?" I work out because it makes me feel good. I work out because it makes me feel strong. I work out to stay healthy. If I lose weight in the process of feeling good and strong and healthy, great. If I gain weight, fine. My love for myself is not conditional on my body. If I lost all my hair, I would still love myself. If my face were covered in acne, I would still love myself. My self love is not dependent on a number on the scale or the size on a clothing tag. And yes, you can still celebrate your weight loss even if you love your body as it is now. I will celebrate when I lose 5 lbs. Not because I've lost some of me, but merely because I love myself at 225.

Loving myself is not easy. It is worth it though. And if you aren't quite ready to love yourself all the way right now, let me know. I'll love you through it.

Adventures in Vegan Cooking

I feel like I should preface this post with the fact that I am not a vegan. The latest thing that has given my digestive system issues is meat. It's a lovely little perk of Crohn's disease, but I shouldn't complain because I'm still in remission, and I'm only taking two pills a day for Crohn's related issues. There are so many IBD patients who don't respond to medication or are missing pieces of their intestinal tract (speaking of this, if you are a person with IBD, consider becoming involved in 23andme's research study with Pfizer). But I digress. So combine the issues with meat and the fact that I'm lactose intolerant, and the recipes tend to follow the path toward vegan.

Vegan food totally has a bad reputation. If you bring a recipe to a party and tell people it is vegan, a lot of people will avoid it (even if it is a dish that doesn't require any modifications). I was lamenting in the lunch room at work about trying to find recipes, and one of my colleagues recommended the book Veganomicon.

This weekend, I decided to try out a few recipes. It's part of the journey to finding out who I am-- stepping out of my comfort zone and trying something new. So I made two totally delicious recipes from the book. They were so good, but now my kitchen looks like a crime scene. If you're looking for some good recipes, try Veganomicon.

Now, any takers on cleaning my kitchen?

The Wonderful World of Online Dating

When I came for my interview here, I was told that the dating scene here is pretty tough. When I accepted the job, I was in a relationship-- more than that, I was engaged. Why would I have to worry about the tough dating scene here? Plus it is EXACTLY what I said I wanted to do after grad school. So I accepted and didn't think about until a little over a month before I moved here, when I found myself single. Single. Moving 2,000 miles across the country where I knew no one.

Now here I am. 7.5 months in Washington... I've dated one guy for a few months. I met him online. The dating scene here is difficult. It's not a "real" city. and there's definitely a two population distribution of intelligence around here. I like having intellectual conversations. Most of the guys in my population are coupled or too wound up in work. So, online dating it is. 

Two of my friends from high school married guys they met online. Two friends from college also met their husbands/future husbands online. That number is actually probably higher than that though. I know it's not all bad, but it's so hard to sell myself on paper. I hate online dating for the same reason that I hate applying for jobs. How do you catch someone's attention? How do you catch the right someone's attention? And will you know if he's "right" when you read three paragraphs and look at a handful of pictures?

I'm bigger. I've got meat on my bones. If I meet him in person, will he take one look at me and leave? Will he think I look like my pictures? 

The world of online dating is rough. But my heart is looking for a companion.

A First Date

Today I had a great first date. I got to laze around all morning and then spent about an hour getting ready while listening to Ed Sheeran (my current musical heartthrob). I curled my hair-- and I don't curl my hair for just anyone. I put on make-up, which is also not a regular thing for me. I picked out a super cute outfit that I had been saving for a special occasion. I even shaved my legs last night and did my nails.

My date started by going to get some lunch at a great sandwich and salad place called Graze. I'm a dairy-free, (mostly) vegetarian--okay, probably pescetarian if anyone is actually keeping tabs-- and it's often difficult to find something to eat at restaurants. Graze is great because they have quite a few meat free options. My sandwich was amazing, and came with a side salad. I also got a delicious Lavender Dry Sparkling-- a type of sparkling water. I've really gotten into lavender since I moved here, which is good because it's pretty much the only thing that grows in this desert besides sagebrush.

After a good lunch, we headed over to the Hanford REACH-- a museum/garden/wildlife walking trail on the preserve land allocated from the Hanford site. Does Hanford sound familiar to you (even though you likely haven't been to Eastern Washington state)? Hanford was one of the towns taken over and reallocated during the Manhattan Project for the war effort. Two-thirds of the plutonium produced during World War II and the Cold War was produced at Hanford.

Because of the huge role that Hanford played in fairly recent history, the REACH has a museum which features exhibits about the geology and ecology of the Pacific Northwest and the role of this area's history in the nuclear age. Here are some pretty cool pictures from the museum. If you ever find yourself in the Columbian Basin in Eastern Washington, you should stop by the REACH. The museum costs $8 for adults, so it's fairly inexpensive.

The date was going so well, so I decided to invite my date back to my apartment so I could cook dinner. There was a quick stop at the grocery store first to get ingredients. I decided to make a vegetarian version of hamburger bean casserole. I was afraid to tell my date that it was something my ex-fiance used to make for me. I was just craving it. 

Now before you freak out about me taking dates home after one meeting and become concerned for my life-- let me share something with you. The date was with me. I took myself out. I wanted to get to know myself better and learn how to enjoy the time I spend with myself more fully. Most importantly, I want to fall in love with myself-- the me I have rediscovered after moving across the country and leaving everything I've known behind (besides Becqs-- my favorite burrito dog).

We don't spend a lot of genuine time with ourselves. We say that life is too busy, that we have too many responsibilities. So instead of happiness from within, we seek out happiness in the world around us. If we afforded ourselves the "us" that we share with those around us, I think we would be happier... with a happiness that comes from the inside.

My date was wonderful. I think I will ask myself out again... and soon.

Again

It has been one year and one month since my last post. In that time, I got my PhD, got a job, ended things with Sel, took Becqs and moved across the country ( to WA, my new favorite state), started said new job, survived the end of the fiscal year-- just to name a few. So, you know, minor life changes. At the time of my last post, I was engaged and a student. Now I'm single and a (cringe) adult of sorts. My life fell apart and started again in those 13 months. I had lost myself and now I'm finding myself again. 

The new me doesn't really care to dwell much in the past. But here I am: starting again, with a new chapter. And blogging again. 

Stay tuned. 

Stel