Public Service Announcement to Friends of People who Called off Weddings.

Yesterday I got a lovely text message from a friend who I had asked to be a bridesmaid during my previous engagement. She felt the need to point out that I was "supposed to be married right now" because our original wedding date was in November of 2015. Also, she wanted to let me know that she threw away my bridesmaid ask (thanks for the info). Immediately I felt rage and sadness growing inside of me. I went to bed hurt and angry, and this was exacerbated by another text in the morning accusing me of being terrible to him.

If any of you have friends who have had a break up of a serious relationship, called off weddings, or gotten divorced, I have a message for you. DO NOT remind them of this. For some, like in my case, this causes those feelings of failure to come surging out of the dark places where they lurk. Perhaps it was the use of the word "supposed". I was supposed to do something--obligated, and since it didn't happen, I'm a failure.

My past relationship is over. I do not pine for it. Looking back, I saw the person from the end of the relationship. I was a shell of myself. I had compromised too much and had clung to something long after it was dead, mostly because of what I thought people would think. But I still can't help but feel like I failed. The expectation in my hometown is for a woman to get married. The pity that is shoveled onto unwed females is thick. If we were in the South, I bet they'd even say "Bless your heart" when I answered the question of "So when are you getting married?" with a shrug.

It hurts because I know in less than two weeks, I'm going to have to deal with the "When are you getting married?" when a year ago, all they knew was I was engaged. I did not send out a town memo that I broke off my engagement. Last year, I tried to redirect and talk about job interviews and defending my PhD. They didn't care.

So when the world is telling me that not being married is a problem, I really don't need to be reminded about that wedding that I called off. And neither do your friends. It's not funny. It's intensely personal. I don't need a reminder.

XOXO,