Happy (belated) Holidays! Let's talk about 2015

Well friends, it's 2016! I took a little hiatus because I traveled back to sweet home, Chicago, and then I was sick. I legitimately set my alarm for Central time new year so I could call my mom. And I live in the Pacific time zone. I wouldn't have even made it to EST new year, but I my friend called me (that's 9 pm for those of you who don't want to do the math).

2015 was a pretty solid year on most fronts. It definitely had its ups and downs and in between times, but overall the good out shadowed the bad. There were tons of life changes made, many tears shed, and plenty of soul-searching, but I think I've come out a better person.

First for the positives: In 2015, I went on my first real job interview, signed my first job offer, finished my dissertation, defended my dissertation, moved across the country to Washington state (west coast is best coast), started a new job, fell in love with a new job, took myself out on dates, learned to be alone with myself, and made some new friends.

And for the learning times (which to clarify are also positives, but were emotionally tolling at the time): In 2015, I made the decision to move to an area of Washington that is a disaster if you're single. That was okay, I wasn't single... until a month before I moved to a big scary place where I knew no one. The end of my relationship (and engagement) was pretty inevitable. And honestly, we probably could have parted amicably if I didn't try to cling to the last living bit of hope there is. Ultimately, he put his hands on me out of anger, so no hope will save that. I am a survivor of child abuse, I will not accept physical violence. And so I moved to a big scary place, by myself, and had to learn how to navigate. I found things that I am interested in (digging up mammoth bones on the weekends! hiking! cooking!), and for the first time, I did things thinking ONLY about myself (... okay, I thought about the dog too...). I don't know if my family and friends are just trying to make me feel better or what, but they say that they haven't seen me so happy in years.

I also spent the holiday season completely single for the first time since sophomore year of high school... or potentially earlier than that, but that's as far back as I can remember right now. I was honestly dreading it, but it really wasn't that bad. It was refreshing not having to worry about things that couples have to worry about. I went to bed when I wanted, I woke up when I wanted, I went for runs when I wanted (Yes, I actually ran over the holidays. And ate healthy. I even lost a pound or two), and I spent my money on things I wanted. It actually was okay. You don't have to feel sorry for me.

And 2016 is off to a pretty good start, too! I dropped an absurd amount of money on apparel to go snowboarding, and I'm hitting the slopes this weekend (first time snowboarding. first time doing winter sports on an ACTUAL mountain). I'll be the spare tire to some work colleagues, but we're letting the boys play while the my officemate teaches my microscope-mate and I how to snowboard! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!! (Don't worry, I bought a helmet. The brain pays the bills-- must protect the pocketbook)

So while 2015 was altogether a good year, I can't say I'm super sad to see it go. Welcome, 2016. Let me show you how good years go!

xoxox

Public Service Announcement to Friends of People who Called off Weddings.

Yesterday I got a lovely text message from a friend who I had asked to be a bridesmaid during my previous engagement. She felt the need to point out that I was "supposed to be married right now" because our original wedding date was in November of 2015. Also, she wanted to let me know that she threw away my bridesmaid ask (thanks for the info). Immediately I felt rage and sadness growing inside of me. I went to bed hurt and angry, and this was exacerbated by another text in the morning accusing me of being terrible to him.

If any of you have friends who have had a break up of a serious relationship, called off weddings, or gotten divorced, I have a message for you. DO NOT remind them of this. For some, like in my case, this causes those feelings of failure to come surging out of the dark places where they lurk. Perhaps it was the use of the word "supposed". I was supposed to do something--obligated, and since it didn't happen, I'm a failure.

My past relationship is over. I do not pine for it. Looking back, I saw the person from the end of the relationship. I was a shell of myself. I had compromised too much and had clung to something long after it was dead, mostly because of what I thought people would think. But I still can't help but feel like I failed. The expectation in my hometown is for a woman to get married. The pity that is shoveled onto unwed females is thick. If we were in the South, I bet they'd even say "Bless your heart" when I answered the question of "So when are you getting married?" with a shrug.

It hurts because I know in less than two weeks, I'm going to have to deal with the "When are you getting married?" when a year ago, all they knew was I was engaged. I did not send out a town memo that I broke off my engagement. Last year, I tried to redirect and talk about job interviews and defending my PhD. They didn't care.

So when the world is telling me that not being married is a problem, I really don't need to be reminded about that wedding that I called off. And neither do your friends. It's not funny. It's intensely personal. I don't need a reminder.

XOXO,

Never Underestimate the Power of Red Lipstick

I had a date last night. And not a self-date. A date with another male human being.

I don't know about you, but confidence is, at times, difficult for me. But man, nothing makes me feel more confident than rocking red lipstick. I could be in sweats and throw on some red lipstick, and *BAM* a wild vixen appears when I look in the mirror.

Yesterday I ventured to the mall (for the first time since I've moved here) to head to Sephora to get a new shade of that red power. It's Christmas, so the mall was really a poor choice. Too many people for me. But I found the best red lipstick that have ever graced these lips-- Urban Decay's Bad Blood Matte Lipstick. It didn't make it all the way through dinner, but by then it had already made its magic. I think my confidence came through.

Seriously, isn't this perfect?

Oh, the date? I think it went pretty well. May the odds be ever in my favor :)

xoxo

Five on Friday: Holiday on my mind

I'm linking up again, and I'm in the holiday spirit over here. I'm not usually a huge Christmas person, but this year feels different. Here's how my dog and I are celebrating the season this week.

- one -

Christmas Decorations

My Christmas tree went up on Saturday. Becquerel and I had a great time decorating it while listening to Christmas tunes on Songza. I like to pretend to follow themes, and the theme represents my undergrad- Saint Mary's College, which brings me to number two.

- two -

Saint Mary's Christmas Ornament

The SMC LA Alumnae Club has decided to start selling a yearly Saint Mary's ornament. This year, the ornament is lovely gold laser cut view of the Avenue. I remember driving down the Avenue my junior year of high school, not knowing what was in store. SMC was a wonderful choice, and given the opportunity, I would pick it again and again and again. I get especially nostalgic for campus this time of year. There were snow ball fights and study breaks. Preparing for bowl trips (well... two of the years). Late night Breakfast. Advent. I miss you, SMC, but I promise to visit soon.

- three -

Christmas Songs

We had a rule in our house-- no Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. With the exception of "All I Want for Christmas is You" (because Backer nostalgia), I adhere to this strictly. So Thursday after Friendsgiving dinner, I turned to Sirius XM's Holly and sang the whole way home. I've been listening to Christmas music on Songza at work and at home (and while working out). Religious, secular-- doesn't matter. I love it all.

- four -

Love Actually

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think of the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there- fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from people on board were messages of hate or revenge- they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling that you'll find love actually is all around" - Prime Minister, Love Actually

Did your heart just skip a beat when you read that? Could you hear it in his voice? Seriously, this is the best beginning to any movie ever. And in case you're wondering- yes, this is my favorite movie of all time. I don't restrict Love Actually to Christmastime, but since the movie is set this time of year, it's especially appropriate. I love it. In fact, I'll be having a Love Actually watching party with my friends K & K on Friday.

- five -

Warm Beverages

I love mugs of warm delicious tea and coffee. These are also not particularly reserved for this season, but with the chilly weather, who can blame me for wanting to sip some tea and listen to Christmas music curled up on the couch under blankets with the pooch. It just warms me up from the inside out.

So drink your warm beverages and celebrate the holiday season. And if Christmas isn't your holiday, then enjoy YOUR holiday, whatever it may be.

Cheers!

Working it.

I've been so lazy lately. That's the only way to explain it- plain, old lazy.

It had been a long time since I last got in a work out. I have to think a lot at work, so I'm kind of tired when I get home. Waking up in the morning and getting in a work out? Forget it-- more like 'hit snooze 10 times, getting up an hour and a half after I meant to. Alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I definitely hit snooze at a minimum of 3 times. The funny thing is that when I exercise, I actually have more energy. It's just actually exercising that's the problem.

I've been the queen of excuses lately. It's too cold. It's too hot. What can I say, I'm a real-life Goldilocks. But Saturday, I said no more excuses. Saturday, yoga. Sunday, elliptical and yoga. Monday, abs. Tuesday, elliptical. Wednesday, yoga. Five days in a row.

I know it's not super intense exercise. I'm not running marathons or anything, but I am doing something. I'm making changes. Baby steps, my friends.

XOXO,

This is How We Date

Trigger warning: I will talk about rape and dating violence

I was talking to one of my guy friends today about this nice guy I've been texting with lately (I met him online). A week ago, the guy from online had said something which made me wonder if I had been relegated to "friend status." Today, it was clear that I wasn't so I thought I would share this bit of information with my friend. His response, "well that's good but you're not looking for a pen pal." Which all goes back, to his problem with the fact that I've been talking to this guy for like three weeks and still haven't met him.

I didn't realize three weeks was so long. Also, Thanksgiving is also included in those three weeks. And even so, why is there this huge amount of pressure to move so quickly these days? With the internet and advances in technology, sometimes I feel like I'm constantly on fast forward. We want everything NOW NOW NOW. (Note: I'm also guilty of this, I ordered a pair of boot from Amazon--not Prime-- and it took a WHOLE week to get them and it was awful) But sometimes I just want to take things slowly.

I'm not quite comfortable with the whole online dating thing. I told my friend that I'm scared of being raped. His solution: "Don't have dates in dark alleys." Yes, because that's the only place that rape can happen. Once, a friend met a guy from online and he tried to force himself into the car with her when she was leaving. In a parking lot. In the middle of the day. These are the things I fear with online dating. I find that if I "talk" to someone and draw out that talking phase, the guys who aren't genuine tend to lose interest.

I kindly ended this conversation with "Your timeline isn't the only acceptable timeline. Just because my timeline is different, it doesn't make mine wrong." Because in this age of urgency, I'd like to take my time when it comes to getting to know someone. I just want to be certain. It's weird and uncomfortable-- but this is how we date these days.

XOXO

Five on Friday Link Up: Thankfulness Edition

It's been a while since I did a link up. Since Thanksgiving was yesterday, I'd like to make my 5 on Friday all about nouns that for which I am extremely thankful.

- one -

family

This is a lovely picture of some of my family on my graduation day. I'm the fuzzy blueberry in the center in front of the Golden Dome. My family gave me the greatest gifts-- love, especially when I did not feel as though I deserved it; patience; support. Grad school was hard, but they knew I could do it. Moving across the country was difficult, but they called me just to make sure that I was okay. I'm pretty sure that I'm their favorite scientist. So thank you, to the biggest cheering squad I have encountered.

- two -

education

I have no regrets about my college education. If I could choose again, I would. Saint Mary's College was home for four years. I made great friends, and I received a quality education (which enabled me to successfully get a PhD and a job). Education isn't a privilege extended to many people in the world. I am blessed and extremely grateful for my access to education and the education I received.

- three -

friendship

I am thankful for my friends. They are truly a great bunch. They are an extension of my family, and they are my support system. We've been spread out across the country (one is in the Pacific Northwest now though-- here's looking at you, Face), but when we reunite, it's like barely a minute has passed. So to the only person who can get me in a Cubs jersey, my Backer crew, my soul sister Belles, and everyone else who has graced my life with your friendship, Thanks a million.

- four -

travel

In May, I took a trip with my friend K to Portland Oregon. We took a detour to visit Multnomah Falls (and hiked to the top), shopped at Porters, ate donuts at Voodoo, visited the zoo, stood in the Pacific Ocean (Cannon Beach), and ate at a fancy restaurant right near the beach. The next day we went to Mount St. Helens and hiked a lava tube and then we went to the observation deck. Since then, I've also traveled to just outside of Salem Oregon, Oakland/Livermore California, Sequim Bay Washington and Seattle Washington. I'm a firm believer that you have to get lost to find yourself. So for the opportunity (and funds) to travel the world, I give thanks.

- five-

puppy love

Becqs is the best dog in the world. Not because she's well behaved (she's a huge jerk with obedience, but we're currently trying to fix that), but because this dog has shown me the kind of love that most people only dream of. She knows my emotions and how to comfort me. She's always happy to see me walk through the door (even if I've been gone two minutes to throw out the garbage). When I'm feeling lonely, she lays next to me with, at the very least, a paw touching me to prove to me that I'm not actually alone. So to my hiking partner (Badger Mountain selfie above), my smooshie, and my pooch-wall, thanks. Keep on wagging, Bq. I'll keep trying to be the person you think I am.

And that's five, but I'm thankful for many, many more things-- including those who read my blog.

Give Thanks.

Gobble, Gobble.

And to those out on Black Friday (I'm not leaving my apartment), be safe.