Public Service Announcement to Friends of People who Called off Weddings.

Yesterday I got a lovely text message from a friend who I had asked to be a bridesmaid during my previous engagement. She felt the need to point out that I was "supposed to be married right now" because our original wedding date was in November of 2015. Also, she wanted to let me know that she threw away my bridesmaid ask (thanks for the info). Immediately I felt rage and sadness growing inside of me. I went to bed hurt and angry, and this was exacerbated by another text in the morning accusing me of being terrible to him.

If any of you have friends who have had a break up of a serious relationship, called off weddings, or gotten divorced, I have a message for you. DO NOT remind them of this. For some, like in my case, this causes those feelings of failure to come surging out of the dark places where they lurk. Perhaps it was the use of the word "supposed". I was supposed to do something--obligated, and since it didn't happen, I'm a failure.

My past relationship is over. I do not pine for it. Looking back, I saw the person from the end of the relationship. I was a shell of myself. I had compromised too much and had clung to something long after it was dead, mostly because of what I thought people would think. But I still can't help but feel like I failed. The expectation in my hometown is for a woman to get married. The pity that is shoveled onto unwed females is thick. If we were in the South, I bet they'd even say "Bless your heart" when I answered the question of "So when are you getting married?" with a shrug.

It hurts because I know in less than two weeks, I'm going to have to deal with the "When are you getting married?" when a year ago, all they knew was I was engaged. I did not send out a town memo that I broke off my engagement. Last year, I tried to redirect and talk about job interviews and defending my PhD. They didn't care.

So when the world is telling me that not being married is a problem, I really don't need to be reminded about that wedding that I called off. And neither do your friends. It's not funny. It's intensely personal. I don't need a reminder.

XOXO,

Never Underestimate the Power of Red Lipstick

I had a date last night. And not a self-date. A date with another male human being.

I don't know about you, but confidence is, at times, difficult for me. But man, nothing makes me feel more confident than rocking red lipstick. I could be in sweats and throw on some red lipstick, and *BAM* a wild vixen appears when I look in the mirror.

Yesterday I ventured to the mall (for the first time since I've moved here) to head to Sephora to get a new shade of that red power. It's Christmas, so the mall was really a poor choice. Too many people for me. But I found the best red lipstick that have ever graced these lips-- Urban Decay's Bad Blood Matte Lipstick. It didn't make it all the way through dinner, but by then it had already made its magic. I think my confidence came through.

Seriously, isn't this perfect?

Oh, the date? I think it went pretty well. May the odds be ever in my favor :)

xoxo

Five on Friday: Holiday on my mind

I'm linking up again, and I'm in the holiday spirit over here. I'm not usually a huge Christmas person, but this year feels different. Here's how my dog and I are celebrating the season this week.

- one -

Christmas Decorations

My Christmas tree went up on Saturday. Becquerel and I had a great time decorating it while listening to Christmas tunes on Songza. I like to pretend to follow themes, and the theme represents my undergrad- Saint Mary's College, which brings me to number two.

- two -

Saint Mary's Christmas Ornament

The SMC LA Alumnae Club has decided to start selling a yearly Saint Mary's ornament. This year, the ornament is lovely gold laser cut view of the Avenue. I remember driving down the Avenue my junior year of high school, not knowing what was in store. SMC was a wonderful choice, and given the opportunity, I would pick it again and again and again. I get especially nostalgic for campus this time of year. There were snow ball fights and study breaks. Preparing for bowl trips (well... two of the years). Late night Breakfast. Advent. I miss you, SMC, but I promise to visit soon.

- three -

Christmas Songs

We had a rule in our house-- no Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. With the exception of "All I Want for Christmas is You" (because Backer nostalgia), I adhere to this strictly. So Thursday after Friendsgiving dinner, I turned to Sirius XM's Holly and sang the whole way home. I've been listening to Christmas music on Songza at work and at home (and while working out). Religious, secular-- doesn't matter. I love it all.

- four -

Love Actually

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think of the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there- fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from people on board were messages of hate or revenge- they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling that you'll find love actually is all around" - Prime Minister, Love Actually

Did your heart just skip a beat when you read that? Could you hear it in his voice? Seriously, this is the best beginning to any movie ever. And in case you're wondering- yes, this is my favorite movie of all time. I don't restrict Love Actually to Christmastime, but since the movie is set this time of year, it's especially appropriate. I love it. In fact, I'll be having a Love Actually watching party with my friends K & K on Friday.

- five -

Warm Beverages

I love mugs of warm delicious tea and coffee. These are also not particularly reserved for this season, but with the chilly weather, who can blame me for wanting to sip some tea and listen to Christmas music curled up on the couch under blankets with the pooch. It just warms me up from the inside out.

So drink your warm beverages and celebrate the holiday season. And if Christmas isn't your holiday, then enjoy YOUR holiday, whatever it may be.

Cheers!

Working it.

I've been so lazy lately. That's the only way to explain it- plain, old lazy.

It had been a long time since I last got in a work out. I have to think a lot at work, so I'm kind of tired when I get home. Waking up in the morning and getting in a work out? Forget it-- more like 'hit snooze 10 times, getting up an hour and a half after I meant to. Alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I definitely hit snooze at a minimum of 3 times. The funny thing is that when I exercise, I actually have more energy. It's just actually exercising that's the problem.

I've been the queen of excuses lately. It's too cold. It's too hot. What can I say, I'm a real-life Goldilocks. But Saturday, I said no more excuses. Saturday, yoga. Sunday, elliptical and yoga. Monday, abs. Tuesday, elliptical. Wednesday, yoga. Five days in a row.

I know it's not super intense exercise. I'm not running marathons or anything, but I am doing something. I'm making changes. Baby steps, my friends.

XOXO,