Hi, I exist again. This post is about fear.

Sorry for dropping off the face of the earth. I did manage to make it back from Akron. Ohio didn't swallow me whole. I've spent the past few weeks at work preparing for my next experiment, which consists of a solo-journey to Tennessee to do some work at Oak Ridge National Lab. With this trip, I'll bring my number of national labs visited to 4, doing actual research at 2 of them. I'm terrified this experiment won't work out, but that's boring and not the fear I want to talk about. 

Instilled in me is a very strong fear of abandonment. I'm sure it largely stems from daddy issues, but nevertheless it's very real. I worry constantly that everyone I love will end up leaving, and worse yet I'm convinced it would be my fault if they did (something about being told I was unlovable in my formative years). And so I put myself in these situations where I cater to people and sometimes it feels like I'm begging them to stay. "Please don't leave me. I'll do whatever you want me to do..."

As I'm writing this, I'm waiting on a friend. I've been waiting on her to get back to me for a few hours now, and suddenly the fear starts to set in. And this time the fear is selfish.  You see, Clo is having a baby, and she's due next week. Her life is about to change big time and I worry that as that stinking cute little girl that I can't wait to meet makes her grand entrance into the world that she will take my place once again. It's natural. Before Clobaby and Seb (her hubby), Clo and I were best friends. If we are listing it off, she's sitting pretty at número uno on my list, followed closely by Sel. Seb knocked me down to number two on her list long ago, though she still refers to me as a besty. I know all about second place. Somewhere in my mom's house there is a silver medal from Junior Olympics back in the day. But with this baby, I'll be demoted again (and rightfully so). I'm just not sure how I feel about bronze. 

I'm in homestate this weekend before my flight to TN, and I wanted to get to see her one more time before I have to give up my second place spot. So here I am waiting and having a panic attack that I am forever being ousted. It's selfish, I know. And here I am worrying about that when she has bigger things to worry about. Have you seen a baby's head? Or shoulders? She has to squeeze those out of something that... Well, I would assume that it is scary.  It's scary for me, and I'm not even remotely close to being pregnant. 

Really, I can't wait to see pictures of this sweet little girl when she arrives (and then visiting her when I get back from TN). But I still can't help but shake my fear of abandonment by my best friend when this girl makes her presence. I guess it will take a bit to get used to bronze, but at least I'm giving up my spot to a very worthy contender.