Leaving on a jet plane

This post is brought to you by the lovely chicago-midway airport. It's where I'm sitting right now, trying not to completely freak out. 

Yes. That face just about does it. Traveling. By myself. To a place I've never been. Where I know no one. Great. And couple that with this overwhelming fear that my experiment isn't going to work, and you've got someone who is simultaneously on the verge of tears and punching the guy at the gate whose cell phone actually says "you have a text message. You have a text message" loudly every time he gets a text (which has been enough in the past ten minutes for me to want to punch him).

My family keeps warning me of terrible weather (storms) in TN. Thanks, family. I needed more things to be concerned about. Luckily, the spallation neutron source seems like a safe place to be in a severe weather situation- as my mom pointed out. 

Mostly, I'm afraid I'm going to have to email my advisor and say "hi. The project that you put a large monetary value on isn't working." That would surely involve many tears on my part. I also haven't figured out if I actually get to leave the SNS during my 4-day run. I intentionally didn't ask the beam line scientist because it would be one more thing for me to stress about if they said no. 

In preparation, I'll be sure to shower at the latest possible moment before my run starts. Hygiene, ftw. And on that pleasant note, TTFN avid readers (all zero of you). I'm going to hop in this giant metal thing and fly across a few states. 

Hi, I exist again. This post is about fear.

Sorry for dropping off the face of the earth. I did manage to make it back from Akron. Ohio didn't swallow me whole. I've spent the past few weeks at work preparing for my next experiment, which consists of a solo-journey to Tennessee to do some work at Oak Ridge National Lab. With this trip, I'll bring my number of national labs visited to 4, doing actual research at 2 of them. I'm terrified this experiment won't work out, but that's boring and not the fear I want to talk about. 

Instilled in me is a very strong fear of abandonment. I'm sure it largely stems from daddy issues, but nevertheless it's very real. I worry constantly that everyone I love will end up leaving, and worse yet I'm convinced it would be my fault if they did (something about being told I was unlovable in my formative years). And so I put myself in these situations where I cater to people and sometimes it feels like I'm begging them to stay. "Please don't leave me. I'll do whatever you want me to do..."

As I'm writing this, I'm waiting on a friend. I've been waiting on her to get back to me for a few hours now, and suddenly the fear starts to set in. And this time the fear is selfish.  You see, Clo is having a baby, and she's due next week. Her life is about to change big time and I worry that as that stinking cute little girl that I can't wait to meet makes her grand entrance into the world that she will take my place once again. It's natural. Before Clobaby and Seb (her hubby), Clo and I were best friends. If we are listing it off, she's sitting pretty at número uno on my list, followed closely by Sel. Seb knocked me down to number two on her list long ago, though she still refers to me as a besty. I know all about second place. Somewhere in my mom's house there is a silver medal from Junior Olympics back in the day. But with this baby, I'll be demoted again (and rightfully so). I'm just not sure how I feel about bronze. 

I'm in homestate this weekend before my flight to TN, and I wanted to get to see her one more time before I have to give up my second place spot. So here I am waiting and having a panic attack that I am forever being ousted. It's selfish, I know. And here I am worrying about that when she has bigger things to worry about. Have you seen a baby's head? Or shoulders? She has to squeeze those out of something that... Well, I would assume that it is scary.  It's scary for me, and I'm not even remotely close to being pregnant. 

Really, I can't wait to see pictures of this sweet little girl when she arrives (and then visiting her when I get back from TN). But I still can't help but shake my fear of abandonment by my best friend when this girl makes her presence. I guess it will take a bit to get used to bronze, but at least I'm giving up my spot to a very worthy contender. 

 

Wordless Wednesday: Akron Edition a.k.a three seasons in one week

And as a bonus picture: Here's me being ridiculous.

  

Akron: A Cultural Expedition

When I visit this group in Akron, I'm the only American in the group. It's a bit weird, but it's also a great opportunity for learning a bit about different cultures. There's not a whole lot of places that you can be a minority as an American in America- and I certainly wouldn't think I would find it in northeastern Ohio.

In the past week, I've had two opportunities outside of the lab where I have been the ONLY American. The first time was on Friday, where I spent time with a group of Persians and one Iraqi. We were out to celebrate the birthday of one of the guys in the group I am visiting. At first, I was nervous. Everyone (except the Iraqi) was speaking Farsi, and I knew one word. The word translates to "small" which was pretty much useless in conversation, but was my sideshow talent to make them laugh at my incapability to make my mouth and tongue form the Farsi words.

After dinner, we drove back to one of their apartments to have cake. In the car, somehow 9/11 came up. If you would have told me on 9/11/2001 as I watched the news when the second plane hit the towers, I would have a conversation with two Middle Eastern men, one Muslim, over 12 years later, I would have thought you were lying. But it was real, and pure, and insightful. SA recalled people holding a candlelight vigil at the Swiss embassy since there is no American embassy in Iran (well, there is, but it hasn't been used since the 1970's. Read about that here). We discussed the Islamic faith and that the belief that violence- especially the taking of lives (including one's own)- conflicts greatly with the foundation of the faith. 

Of course, there was cake. Delicious chocolate cake. And tea with cardamom. And then we danced. And took pictures. And it is a night I will always remember. Tavalodet Mobarak, SA.

Tonight was experience number two. One of the Chinese members of the group has her parents in town helping take care of her darling 2 month baby. Last week she told me that she and her mother would like to cook me dinner. So tonight, I went over to her house, loved on her sweet baby girl, and ate my weight in real Chinese food. It was so delicious. I used chopsticks the entire time. I swear sometimes being the only American requires one to do sideshow tricks- like pick up peanuts with chopsticks. Which, upon my success, spurred cheering. And requests to repeat my sideshow tricks.

Okay, you've seen the food. It was delicious and so nice to have a home-cooked meal. But (prepare your ovaries, ladies. Gentlemen, I'm not sure it will have the same effect) here's how I really spent the evening...

Those tiny little hands with tiny little fingers with tiny little fingernails. Oh my goodness. I was in heaven.

And look at these tiny little feet. So soft and perfect. And that beautiful crocheted blanket behind little E was made by my aunt. There's something magical about babies. No matter how bad my day was or how foul my mood or how stressed I am, the cure is a baby in my arms. And today was not good, until this evening when I snuggled up to this sweet little baby. The innocence just seems to calm my soul. 

Now excuse me while I watch Big Love and coo over pictures of Baby E and her tiny appendages. Hope you all had a good Tuesday.